Remedy for loneliness

As your life goes on, the number of people you know piles up. You make relatives, firends, associates and so on. I've come to figure out loneliness isn't about knowing people at all. At least for me. I've been alone all my life. I don't remember a single conversation I had with anyone, where I wasn't trying to seem like someone else. I am just not myself when I'm with people. I am used wear different masks when interacting with different people. 

I am not exceptional. Not a man's man that a lot of people wants me to, not a confident man, not a particularly head turning guy. The background behind me is always more noticable than I am. So people weren't exactly lining up to be my friend. I think all that contributed to my extremely asocial tendencies. I developed habits that people terms 'Beyadobi'. I didn't know what was what because as far I was concerned, people were not noticing what I was doing. But I realized very late that they were. They were there to pick on my Beyadobis but not for the moments I thought I did not belong there. It's not their fault though. Was it my fault? I don't know. Maybe it is. For the longest time I told myself, it doesn't matter/ I don't care what people think of myself. I've always been indenpendent. Owing anything to anyone is one of the most uncomfortable feeling I experience. I never ask anyone for anything. Which of course is not a good fit considering my socio-economic background. Society, neighbors, teachers want people like me to be grateful for the scrapes they throw at me. Is it really kindness if you expect something in return? That was one of the many dillemmas I struggled with my entire life. I couldn't be where I am without people being kind to me, but then again the same people that were kind to me expected me to behave a certain way that wasn't natural to me. I was immature, but I was a child. I don't know what they expected of a malnourished 15 year old.

I spent my whole childhood, teenage years on autopilot. I felt trapped, watched from the inside while the vassel carrying me carried me with it.

Little did I know, all that will contribute to me suffering for the entirety of my life. I am afraid to be in front of people. Afraid of beign judged, afraid to do things my way, afraid to show myself.  

Everyone has expectations from me, and that's fine. I have to live with the fact that no one will be kind enough to look past my defficiencies. I have to make myself better. The suffering will come & go. It won't really go, I'll have bury it under other stuff. When I'll be suffering, there'll be no venting of any sort. I'll have to live with my internal organs boiling & a thousand kilogram stone on my shoulders.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spring Data Jpa: What's underneath

Image
Spring Data in Spring Boot ( spring-boot-starter-data-jpa ) simplifies data access by abstracting the persistence layer and automatically implementing common repository patterns using JPA (typically Hibernate). This article is my attempt to go through what runs underneath and what boilerplate indeed spring data abstracts way for us. To make things easier I divided the demonstration in 3 parts 1. Make our own Data Access layer the old fashioned way with spring+hibernate. 2. Duplicate the same Data Access layer using spring boot. 3. How they both relate and how spring boot helps.   1. The Spring+Hibernate way The plane spring/hibernate way starts much like spring-boot way, that is with an entity layer.                                                ...
Read more

Postgres 18 Upgrades

The official Postgres documentation is in my opinion the most succinct documentation ever. It’s one of the list of things that got me interested in postgres as my defacto RDB of choice. I am always on the lookout for new additions to postgres. There's details on the enhancements on the upcoming version 18 here . I made this list of improvements on the upcoming Postgres 18 release that seemed interesting (or things amongst my realm of understanding). I thought It would be nice to share without going into too much technical details: 1. Async I/O Current Capability : PostgreSQL traditionally uses background processes like WAL writer, Checkpointer to help batch I/O tasks, but all these are synchronous under the hood. This can lead to higher latency, especially under heavy load. There’s no built-in native async I/O like you might find in some modern databases. Postgres 18 : Azure OSS team have now introduced true async on all read streams. In future this will inevitably lead to writes ...
Read more

27th June , 2023

It's been cloudy all day. Actual rain clouds, not one of those generic fluffy ones that aimlessly float around.I think they are called Cumulus or whatever. Saw a really pretty patch of bright blue on the way back home. So the blue was hidden away over a Cumulus, then two different dark layers of stratus clouds maybe. I've tried to study different types of clouds before, but it's just so difficult to identify.  The blue patch made me think how huge those clouds must be. Like a thousand or millions of kilograms of molecules just speeding through space. Chaotic order at it's finest I guess.
Read more